Whats Love? Hmm

I'm so inlove.. My 1st mate of love.. 1st experience in love.. Everything was my first.. The excitements and joys we had was fantastic.. But sadness juz never went away.. I tried my best to not think every part of sadness,but i had a stupid brain which made everyday a torture to me.. Tears cant stop droping,over and over again i think about the same damn thing! I really hope i could juz die in peace instead.. I hate this feeling of being poke in the heart so deeply that no medicine can ever cure its pain.. I know i cant live without love anymore,but i really hope this pain could go away.. Let me have a happy and simple life with the one i love.. I will try my best to avoid any problems that will leads to our seperations.. I hope we could be together forever in someways.. Not being like what others says,that there are no eternity for love! Love u so much <3

Happiness or sadness??

Well.. I confess already.. Being force to confess i guess.. Hahaha! But the results was me end up being reject.. Sadness all around,tears droping uncontrol,my room almost flood.. Dont know why i can still chat with her like nothing actually happen.. But it did help.. I am now brave enough to say about it,and will not give up.. Trying my best to have a chance,doing everything i could.. Sometimes i just cant stand the feeling,so beer wont help me go through that day.. Starting a new day the next day after! I know beer is something harmfull but it is also something usefull in forgetting my sadness.. So a little do no harm i hope.. xD

Miss My Life!

Got chosen to represent Kota Marudu team in under 16 competition.. Went to keningau for 10days!!! Really funny team cuz a lot of funny teammates~ Accept 2 other useless and loves bully teammates which makes everyday a torture.. hahaha!

1St match against Lahad Datu.. Their roughness in the field made us lose badly for the 1st match.. Lots of bruise too during that match~ :'( 2nd match against Tenom.. It have lots of new player so wont be hard for us.. We kinda overlead them a lot! Though they have big and hard players,but lack of skills.. Hehe..

3rd match against Kota Kinabalu.. It was a friendly match for us since they are all our friends,and it was a confirm lose match anyway.. Surprisingly we lost 66-50.. The marks was so much better than wat we expected.. 4th match.. Tawau team!!! Hard win cuz have a lot sabah players there.. Yea.. So we lost but the marks was still ok.. =) Last match against Sanadakan team.. We put high hope on wining them since we do have the chances.. Some technical problem happen during that match,made me cry,made me pissed.. But importantly that we won in the end.. =) So we got number 4 among 6 teams~

Last day... Saw her came yesterday.. So happy about it! But hearing news that i duno was bad or good juz made me so frustated! Seeing her sad made me so emo!!! I feel terrible cuz i cant even help her anything.. Cried becuz of it.. Haiz... Dint sleep the whole day.. Chatting with frenz whole morning.. 1St time in my life.. Hahaha! Went back K.K around 7.30a.m.. Now i already started missing every of them.. Will be seeing them for the last time tonite i guess for this year.. Hope the dinner will be a blast! Need rest now.. Feel so sick!

Life At The End

Long time since i actually blog.. Its been so bz these months.. PMR ended a week ago.. Our school PMR activities started last week.. It was hell damn boring.. We were treated like dogs.. To be specific,not even dogs deserve these.. We were asked by a fat teacher to sit and stand exactly like she want.. While my leg kinda hurt during trainings for under16 and interschool basketball competition.. Haha.. We manage to go in final after a rough match against 3M2.. My worst opponent.. xD But lost during final to M1.. Not sad at all cuz it was predictable..

Next week will have futsal and bola baling competition.. Which i entered but have no idea how to play at all.. Hahaha! Hope no one bullies me~ Anyway,end of my school stories.. Back to where my life went into a miserable and being stab in the heart.. As u know how my love life goes,i was inlove with someone which wasnt inlove with me.. Well.. I kinda let go and started new relationships.. And i did.. At 1st i thought we were really inlove,but in the end it was only a prank joke.. Or in other words,it was juz for fun.. No warning,no discussion,not even a talk about it.. Till i found out about it,my life beyond hell.. And guess wat,she dont know that i was serious about this.. What can i do? I can juz suck it up and admit my life was meaningless..

Not to be honest,but although i thought we were in a serious relationship,my heart,my mind aint over there.. I am still stuck inlove with her.. I love her!! I am a coward for not saying my feelings out,but i dont want to get reject.. Not trying means no reject.. But i also ended single! Seeing her happy was what i wanted.. But i really hope the one making her happy was me,not others~ Cant help it, love is something everyone want but also hope for no regrets.. True love is hard to find!

There am i,still single! Hahaha! Foolish life~

Going training these few weeks,i know i wont get selected,but insist going.. Eventhough both my leg got hurt,tired everyday,bruise everywher,but to me its ok.. Cuz friends there cheer me up,they make jokes and make fun no matter how the training drain our energy.. And i really hope i can be more close to her.. I can say i like a lot of them,but doesnt mean i am a playgirl.. Its juz my feelings go as it wants.. I do know who i love most.. Juz hoping more chances for me.. But i do think i doesnt deserve any of them.. They are better than me,skillful than me,matured than me! Thats why i never say how i felt to them cuz i know they dont deserve someone like me.. And i have no idea how they felt to me,so its best to juz put it in my heart.. Anything is better than a broken heart..

Here am i -

single

useless

inlove

broken heart

Life with sadness all around me

Its been a while since i blog,bcuz i was very bz.. Exam and exam,after exam,exam again.. I am totally tired about it.. Very hopefully,it was over,but not for long now..

Had a farewell party yesterday for Sey Mond.. Yeah.. She is migrating to Canada at last.. After saying it for 2 years,she is finally going.. At first it was nothing,just a friend leaving to hav a better studies,but for this year in 3C2,it was hard for me to accept it.. She was a best friend of mine in 3C2,always hang out together,play or watever..

Well.. Since i knew the news,i had been emo-ing all the time.. All i can do now is too accompany her as much as i can,appreciating all the time we still have together.. Trying to make everyday a happy one for her,and let her remember more about me..

Yesterday was a suffer.. The farewell party was great,but the pressure made me uncontrol of my emotion no longer.. Canada is far,applying for a trip there was hard too.. It make me feels like unless she comes back MY,or else i will never see her again.. The hugging and saying goodbye made me depress,and i burst my feeling last night.. 1st to be crying there,and i keep holding on.. Till she left,i seriously let out all the sadness i have in my heart..

I really cant believe she is really leaving for this time.. But it wont have no changes.. I am thinking of things to give her,but i want it to be something special.. Its hard to think of it.. Anyway,Mond.. really hope you have a good life there.. Please dont forget about me..

May God Bless You~

我死了...

很久没blog了。发生很多事情，可是我不得空把一切一一地写在这里。

去古达，遇见很多新朋友，吸取了很多经验，得到了很多幸福快乐的生活。可是最后一天，尝受到思念的痛苦。有和一起快乐过，玩过，伤心过的朋友说再见。即使是说再见，实际上是不知道何时能见。

从那时起，我暗恋了一个人，没人知道是谁，只有你，唯一的你知道，因为我把我的心事都和你说。我很喜欢这个人，我却不能用爱去形容，因为我是在暗恋，而这个人也不知道。

你，在谈话中，给我觉得有希望，你关心我，在乎我，问候我。。你，不会不回信，就算隔了多久，你也会回信说对不起我迟了。我们天天都问候对方，在做什么，几时要做，做了有怎样。。没有一天是不联络。我曾经问过你有没有你爱的人，你却不给任何回复。我深深以为我有机会了，可是，你怎么可以那样来玩我。我知道你无意，可是你没警告过，也没提示过。

我查了又查，才知道你有另一个的，而且，是难以想象的一个。我扮若无其事地和你谈天，可是，我的心已经崩溃了。你不知道，也不需要知道，只希望你快乐。我想，可是却怕。毕竟我是还没正式的第三者，我不要第一次喜欢上你，却要做第三者。我知道第三者是没有结果的，可是，我还喜欢着你。你的笑容，你开朗的思想，可爱的脸，搞笑的动作，深深刻在我的记忆里。我不要这一切变成我的回忆，而要它变成我的将来。

我不知该如何了，情绪非常低落，没那么低落过，不知如何开心起来。接下来几天都有比赛，我能专心吗？我能把我的能力发挥吗？我的心情会好回吗？我不知道，也没想要去了解或解决。目前的我，已经死了！

复杂！

这几天都不得空写blog，因为每天都有练球，很累。前几天都在烦，因为我被压在penampang和marudu队选人之间，事情很复杂！我没被选进marudu，我就和公公说我要进penampang因为她说有两个空位，所以我决定去打penampang了。可是，害怕去打penampang我会给kk篮总ban，所以迟迟没和bao xin教练说。

最后我问了，他说没问题的如果我过去打那一队，所以我也确定了。星期五，公共假期，marudu有练球，我本来不想去，因为我都没份了，但之后bao xin教练打电话给我，问我去不去。本来说不去，想了一下我决定去了。我很矛盾的一直想。。。

去到后，bao xin教练说我入选marudu了，我吓到，没问那么多就说可以了。又在担心penampang哪方面要怎么办，因为我之前交了名字和ic,在害怕了。怕有进入复杂的情况。

打电话给公公，跟她说我不能打因为给入选了，和她说话时，听起来她很生气，可是我不知怎么办。她收线了，我有sms她和她道歉，因为我感觉我不但麻烦到公公和教练，也感觉到我连累了penampang。很复杂，到现在都还没确定penampang那儿怎么办，因为没人通知我任何事情，我也不敢和公公sms了。

我想去古达那天，若有遇见公公我要亲自去和她道歉比较好。但那时我一定是很需要大量的勇气因为我不太认识她，所以有点害怕。

无论如何，marudu队和kk队下个星期要加油！期待着那天的到来，毕竟是第一次吗。

我看我这几个星期都无法上网写blog，可我会尽量更新的。

希望着~

这几天不是penampang练球，就突然变marudu的练球。原本没去练，教练突然叫我们小的去练初选kk队的练球。开始看见超多大的球员在哪儿，我和美华她们都不敢进去呢，太恐怖的感觉了！最后勇敢进去，每个球员眼睛瞪着我们，那感觉很奇怪。

进到去就练球了，跑3圈，第一次那么少。过后就连基本得咯。练完球和小廖她们去喝茶。过后去damai找ah meow她们。真爽呢，第一次能和那么多大的球员练球和玩乐！可是花的钱很多，吃喝玩乐真的花费很大！

因为我们要代表marudu队，而且大家都不想参与penampang队，所以一起推出penampang，不知道有没有成功。第二天我的脚超酸的，上楼梯最惨的。

今天有练球，背着重重的书包去礼堂，在crystal家休息后，差点看下一站幸福看到忘了时间。也是一样，做基本，还好。最不好就是只有1个小时的练球，不太习惯。哪个教练说的每一句话我完全听不到，因为很小声，加上他是讲国语，我晕了。

练完球，我，雯雯和爱雯一起回家。妈妈很慢，去一趟queenie家拿眼镜和陪爱雯走去商店买东西和。又是我请，没钱了！！我可以说我彻底破产了。

明天和新加波的人打友谊赛的篮球，很紧张呢。现在最大问题是我上华语课是怎么出，有memo我也不敢说呢。怎么办！？？！

从春春得知和该学习的一些态度

我的心很重！

我今天不想说我做过什么，只想表达我的心情。

我这几天，不知是多心，还是她真的变了，或许没变,只是我想太多。我不知啦！总之这感觉很难受，很沉重！

我有这个感觉是因为她开始跟她们多过跟我们了，慢慢地我和她很难相处。我知道，这些是不能强逼的，可是我们开始是很好的，现在真的不同了。我找她，便好像被忽略了的感觉。在哪儿好像傻婆那样没事做。想找题目和她聊，却难过找金。我。。不知该怎么做了。

我有试过在你和她们之间的谈论打岔，希望能参与其话题里，可是我怎么也适应不到因为我觉得她们对我有所避免。我知道，你一定会说我很多心，想太多，举一动我都转动我头脑去想。

有时我在想，是我为人的性格问题，还是态度方面导致你们那么讨厌我？我有时很暴躁，很粗鲁。真的原因，是因为我想用这些方式来保护自己，我不要软弱，让别人容易地伤害我。大家因该知道人总是有脆弱的一面，我不要任何人离开我，我受不了的。我一直以为这样的态度能保护我的朋友，让她们陪在我身边。那儿知道是相反的，从初中一开始，我越想和她一起做朋友，却欲速则不达。她离我越远呢，今年我彻底放弃，她却慢慢对我热了一些。

若你看到了，你可以在我前面假装你没看过吗？我不想因为我这些想法去影响我们之间的友情。但我希望你没猜到那个人是你。

我希望这段友情能和以前一样地快乐，你和她们一起，我不反对，我也没权利反对。只想要求你在我无法看见的情况下快乐吧，能让我更好过。

我在这方面很自私，我承认。可我没办法了，对不起！请原谅我！